Winnipeg Free Press

You may open an E-mail from a close friend and find out it contains only a forward.

Oh Look! It is a sweet poem about God’s love or a suggestion that you might forgive a transgression. However, there is more. A note within the e-mail says that you should send the poem on to all the people in your address book. This must be accomplished within 10 minutes of having received it or else the author can’t be responsible for what happens next. The sender demonstrates with examples.

Mildred Beautox of Leadbottom, Ohio deleated the e-mail and was trampled to death by a herd of demented snakes the next day.

Sally Moldmouth from Hognewton Saskatchewan lost all of her hair to a mysterious illness when she only sent the poem to only one person.

Robert Controlfreek of Airdrie, Alberta sent a copy to every single person on his address book after 6 minutes of receiving his poem. The very next day he won lotto 649.

Why do people who profess to like you send you death threats? Why do they send meaningless, empty e-mails containing nothing of themselves, to people they ordinarily want to please?

Not a week goes by that I do not receive at least one of these threatening e-mails. In the nicest way possible, I reply and attempt to suggest that we really don’t like receiving them. However, only one friend has stopped.

Can anyone suggest why this practice goes on?

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Richard Garner from the United States is a retired coroner. He recently made a comment about a blog I wrote. When I talked to him he wanted to tell me about the locked room murder mystery. I am repeating the story with his permission.

Residents in an apartment building reported to police in Seattle Washington about a disgusting odour on one of the floors of the building. The police were called and they soon determined the smell was being generated in a specific part of the building.

After some effort the door was wedged open by the fire department and inside they came upon the scene of a grisley murder.

The bloody, dead body of a middle aged male lay slumped in a chair.

Police discovered 27 stab wounds to his chest. A gore soaked knife lay on the floor.

The only front window of the small apartment was locked shut and the latch was rusted. They also discovered that the only other entrance to the room was locked from the inside when the police and firefighters arrived.

At this point the officials contacted the cornor’s office and Mr. Garner was dispatched to the scene.

Now we will cut straight to the chase.

Richard Garner determined, after taking many measurements, that the victim had stabbed himself 27 times!

All puncture wounds were determined to have come from the man’s right side at an angle only the deceased could have achieved.

Blood tests determined the motive for what was later found to be a suicide.

The dead man’s workup contained a toxic amount of methamphetamine.

“He probably didn’t feel much pain.” Mr. Garner later remarked. “One of the last stab wounds got him right through the heart.”

Long time meth users who overdose frequently become so angry that they are a great danger to themselves, the public and the authorities.

So, how do I know that Mr. Garner isn’t just telling me a tale?

I remember the look on his face when he first repeated it because it was fresh in his mind.

Richard Garner is my brother.

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Many of you have passed through customs going into and then coming out of the United States. Some Americans have criticized the instructions given to our Canadian customs officers. Americans claim that we do not keep our border secure enough and you know what?

We really don’t do a good job. In fact, we do a rotten job at customs.

Going into the United States you will be asked the following questions.

Who are you? Were you born in Canada?

What is the purpose of your visit? How long will you be in the United States?

Where are you going?

Do you plan to work here?

What they really want to know.

Were you born in Canada? If so, this lessens the possibility you might be a terrorist. Are you going to the place you usually go? (You see, we know more about you then you think.) Will you be working illegally in this country and taking a job away from honest Americans? Will you return to Canada before your 182 days are up? You see, we don’t like illegal aliens because we have our quota already. Incidentally, your white or grey hair tells us you are probably not involved in the illegal drug trade. You see, statistically you would already be dead at your apparent age if you were on drugs.

Returning to Canada you will be asked different questions but at first it sounds the same.

Are you a Canadian citizen?

Where are you going?

How long were you in the United States?

What is the total value of all the goods purchased there that you are bringing back?

Did you have any work done on your vehicle while in the United States?

Are you carrying any alcohol or tobacco products?

Do you have any partial bottles of alcohol, sometimes called a heel?

What they really want to know.

Are you really a Canadian citizen? (They also know more about you than they will tell you.) By means of the total money spent question and combined with the knowledge of how long you have been away, they just want to ensure that you have not exceeded your $1,500 limit per couple. Like the question “Do you want fries with that?” they just want to insure that the Canadian Government has squeezed every last bit of tax out of you. Let us take a few lines to describe some unwise answers to these questions.

Do you think I took a 4000 mile trip for five months for a buying trip? (They think of Canadian citizens only as cross border shoppers for some reason.)

Do you think I went grocery shopping in Fargo N. D. and got lost in Texas for 5 months? This answer is also unwise.

Let us assume that as a couple, you reply that you  probably have about 5 to 6 hundred dollars worth of goods with you.

(No, no, no, they want an exact figure like $856.43!)

Think about that. Like you wrote down the cost of every piece of gum and pocketbook you might have with you. They Canadian customs then writes that figure down like it is true. They think every winter Texan must be anal compulsive.

In actual fact we usually have less than $200 worth of goods with us but Canadian customs want a higher figure. For example, always buy a bottle of liquor before you come north. Even if you do not drink. Not buying a bottle is almost like you are begging to be searched. Anyway, your neighbour Fred will probably appreciate the gift.

Regarding questions about work done on your car, Canadian customs encounters some people who go south to have repairs done. Therefore, they always ask this question. Unless the repairs or replacement parts were purchased to ensure the safety of your return trip they are taxable.

Here are 3 unwise answers.

Do I look stupid enough to tell you if I did?

Do tires count?

Do you care about the repairs Autopac had done on my behalf?

No, I have gone through Canadian customs with a brand new model and they still ask that question. It must mean that lots of Canadians go to Texas for 5 months to get their vehicles fixed.

It follows that perhaps as Canadians we should be more concerned about who is entering our country and what their intention is when they get here. We might ask more meaningful questions about handguns and explosives and personally I would forbid tourists to our country carrying road flares. (Do you know why?)

These are just a few thoughts but, what do I know?

I am only a senior.

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Looking back, it was all probably unwise.

However, I just wanted to try out our brand new garbage disposal unit. 

I had just caught and filletted a really good size pickerel. On my way to dig his grave and bury him in the field I had an idea.

This would be the ideal time try that new gizmo we had just installed.

So I grabbed what was left of that fish and rammed him head first into the garbage disposal. The tail popped up. Bending the fish in half I forced it down and wedged the lid in place. Pleased with myself, I turned on the faucet and the disposal.

Don’t try this at home.

Especially, do not try this in your wife’s freshly painted kitchen with the new popcorn ceiling.

Oh, things were all right for a few seconds. The device seemed to be contentedly grinding up the fish remains.

Then the fishtail popped the top off the disposal and as it turned, it spewed a trail of fish slime up and out.

Blood, gore, scales and fish guts literally painted the ceiling, the freshly painted walls, the cupboards and the windows. The grey bloody froth painted my glasses as I vainly reached for the cut-off switch.

It stopped just as my wife entered the room.

Surveying the damage she said only  “I am not cleaning that up!”

The clean up took me almost 3 days. When the mess was dry I managed to remove about a square inch every 5 minutes. My back ached.

The ache was probably caused from having to sleep on the couch.

There are many things you shouldn’t do in life. I think spraying fish slime on your kitchen walls is one of them.

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There is an ad on television that must make sense to some people. However, the thought that these same people can vote and raise children should be enough to send shivers up your spine.

The ad expects you to fall for the following scam.

Buy a product or service and pay with your credit card. Let us imagine that the purchase is $3.99.

The credit card company will round off the $3.99 figure to $5.00. They will then take the $1.01 difference and place the amount in a savings account for you. In this way, they explain, little by little, you will be adding to your savings account with the banking firm.

The fact that this banking firm expects you to fall for this scheme means that they think you have less intelligence than a spam sandwich.

You have just borrowed $1.01 from your bank at an interest rate of almost 20% per annum and placed the money back in their bank that pays an annual interest rate of less than 3%.

The bank knows your spending habits. They know that as soon as your “savings” account reaches a tidy sum you will withdraw the money and buy a sparkling widget.

The scam is just another legal way of convincing you to borrow money with your credit card.

They should be ashamed of themselves.

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My wife woke me in the middle of the night to inform me there was a dead rat in the toilet. I told her to go back to sleep.

However, she was downright unreasonable about it and kept insisting that I do something about the situation. What finally got my attention was the following comment.

She said “Listen buster. You’d better get up and take care of it because I will not pee on a dead rat!”

That was the exact moment that I entertained the idea that maybe I was not in a dream. As I made my way to the bathroom, I remembered that wife # 1 was not a prankster and had never awakened me in the middle of the night before for frivolous reasons.

I nervously looked into the toilet. There was certainly something there. Without my glasses, it looked like someone’s  hairpiece.

Finally I stuck my head right into the bowl. All I could see was a big dead eye attached to a very plump bloated squirrel.

For some obscure reason it seemed very important to find out what the thing was doing in there. Remembering that we had a houseguest I awakened him.

“Ed, did you put a dead squirrel in my toilet?” I asked.

He replied “No Brian. I did not.” He said this as though I’d just asked him if he wanted cream with his coffee.

My wife handed me a large spoon and a kitchen pot and soon the thing was outside in the driveway. In the morning, it was gone.

Almost certainly, that squirrel had been removed by some critter that thought it was a good snack.

The next day we finally talked about the incident because each of us thought that maybe the whole thing was a dream. Could it have been one we both shared? That was not very likely.

Weeks later I asked my father-in-law if he had ever encountered a squirrel in a toilet. After all, Jim was a plumber.

“Oh, it is quite common. If one gets in your house, they are always attracted to water and that is where they end up. They can’t climb back up out of the jug because it is wet and slippery. You were lucky he drowned. Those little buggers can bite like hell.”

To this day Kathy always glances into the facility before using it. She does not like surprises.

                                                          -30-

One of the most frequent suggestions I get about writing was that I should do a piece about the Pinawa Golf Club. However, just reciting statistics would bore the socks off most readers. It was not until my wife suggested I personalize the story that my focus became clearer. Number #1 wife said, “Go and find the soul of the place. Find one of the people who made the Pinawa Golf Course happen.”

I asked around. One name kept popping up. 

Harry Backer.

When I reached him by phone and told him what information I was looking for he was a little elated at first and then somewhat hesitant.

When I met him at the Pinawa Golf Club Harry right away told me what he was worried about.

Harry. “I am afraid that you are going to point at the Pinawa Golf Club and then you are going to say say Harry Backer did all that. I just want to make it clear that such a statement would most definately not be true.”

I explained that he is one of many remembered and I needed a core for my story.

Harry. “OK. As a symbol. But I was only heavily envovled from 1979 to 1989.”

The interview began.

Q. “What is the course symbolic of, Harry?”

A. “This place is all about what a group of people can achieve who seriously want something. It started as a firebreak. Then, someone came along and said that as long as the trees were clear why not start a golf course? Carpenters showed up and labourers and plumbers and electricians. Some people loaned us money to get the club going. Of course all of those people worked their tails off.”

Q. “Do you remember how long it took from the time they started the first nine holes until the course was open?”

A. “It wasn’t that long. At a guess, I would say it took 2 years because we opened August 26th 1967. That was almost 41 years ago.”

Q. “As a group, you must have had some memorable experiences, some setbacks, didn’t you?”

A. “Oh yes. At first, we only had the equipment we could pay for and all we could afford in the beginning were old cranky gas pumps. I clearly remember many nights that a group of us would manually haul water on our backs to the greens. We sometimes didn’t finish until midnight.”

Q. “Did you keep it open?”

A. “We have been frozen off the course, blown off by heavy winds and even chased by animals but we never had to close the golf course itself, in season, that I can remember.”

Q “Harry, I know you might be prone to favour this course over others but if it rates highly what is the yardstick you use to rate a golf course?”

A. “That’s easy. Courses are always rated by their level of difficulty. You watch a good golfer lining up for, say, a putt and see him shoot wide of the hole but at the last minute that baby makes a turn and ends up in the cup. At the same time, that green might look fairly flat.”

Q “Who sets up these kind of greens?”

A. “We have the probably the best greens manager in Canada. His name is Martin Bailey. He lives right here in Pinawa.

Q. “How far would I walk if I left the clubhouse, played all 18 holes and returned here?”

A. “If you stuck to the cart trails you would have traveled 7.1 km or 4.4 miles. However, you’d have to leave the cart trail and walk to the green and walk back again so your distance would really be further than 7.1 km.”

Q. “Who owns the course?”

A. “The membership owns the course and they consist of anyone who paid the $750.00 annual membership fee. An elected executive committee is responsible for the running of the day to day activities.”

Q. “Well Harry, I have to wrap it up but at the risk of sounding trite it seems to me that you, and people like you, worked and continue to work hard for something in which you believe. Is there still a feeling of pride amongst members of this community for what you have achieved here?”

A. “Yes, I would say so. Look at what we have. We enjoy good leadership and constant commitment from a very small community.”

As a final note, the second nine holes of the Pinawa Golf course opened on July 19, 1992.

                                                          -30-

Captain Canuck lives in Pinawa, Manitoba but that is as close as I will come to identifying him. He is quite a kind and caring man but that does not stop him from getting into all kinds of trouble.

A Case in Point

On rare occasions the good Captain is known to have a pint in a bar. One evening he noticed a hulk of a man beating up a long haired blond woman, repeatedly punching her in the head and upper body.

Captain Canuck immediately leapt into action saying “You leave that young lady alone!” or “Unhand that gracious lady you villainous brute!” I forget exactly which words he used but you get the picture.

This action had the desired effect.

Mr. Hulk turned around to face his new adversary.

So did the young woman who turned out to be a very insulted young man, albeit with long blond hair.

They then commenced to beat upon our Canadian hero with great force.

Another Case in point

One fine day a lady was having a dreadful time navigating her way into a garage to have her vehicle repaired. Soon, it was Captain Canuck to the rescue.

Upon securing her attention he had her turn her wheels this way and that while achieving his aim of finally settling her vehicle into the garage repair bay.

Finally the job was done and he motioned for her to turn off her car. However, instead of the thanks he expected she rolled down her window and said “But I was trying to back OUT.”

Even super heroes can have very bad days.

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I wish I could say it is not a common practice. However, every year parents assist their children to die in a sad and desperate way. They know what they are doing as they destroy the lives of their children but those same parents appear to be helpless to stop.

Who is doing it?

It could be that your neighbour, your close friends, your brother or sister could be doing it. Perhaps even you are doing it and you can never be convicted for your crime.

I am writing about parents who assist a child who is dangerously addicted to illegal drugs. Here are just a few of the examples of stories to which I have listened.

Hank.  “My son says he has a job but I know that in the past 3 years he has lived in at least 7 different places. I have proof of that because when he writes for help the address is always different.”

Q. “What does he say he does for a living?”

Hank. “He says he collects and sells antiques.”

Q. “Does he ask you for money?”

Hank. “No, he doesn’t ask me, he is 56 years old and he begs for money from his mother. He seems to know that there is more of a chance she will believe him and I can’t make her stop doing it.”

Q. “So you think he takes drugs don’t you?”

Hank. “I know he takes drugs. You only need to see the friends he associates with or hear him talk on the phone. He talks so fast and he doesn’t always make sense.”

Q. “Is there any way you can just tell Betty that she may be helping to kill your son and see if that makes any difference?”

Hank. “Betty gets an edge to her voice that tells me to back off. She says she can’t afford to take the chance that he really has run out of money to buy food, … again.”

When I first met Hank in 2004 he used to brag that with the sale of his present house and with the $46,000 they had saved they would be able to buy into an assisted living development later this year.

In January of 2008, their son suffered a massive heart attack. After signing himself out of the hospital after 24 hours (patients on illegal drugs frequently do this) he died just a few hours later.

Hank and Betty barely had enough money to travel to his funeral. The province had to bury their son because they are presently penniless.

Julia’s daughter, Annette, took a year off after she finished high school. She then took a second and then a third year off. I would watch her walk around the neighbourhood stoned out of her mind. Both parents seemed oblivious to her condition. Annette then promised that she would learn a trade and take nursing at the local community college if she could just take the summer off to see Spain. First though, she needed quite a bit of necessary dental work. Whatever she was “on” was making her teeth decay.

Her parents happily paid for a series of trips to the dentist and finally she departed for Spain. The trip and the teeth were compliments of mommy and daddy.

Annette had not been gone for more than 2 or 3 weeks when Julia got a collect telephone call. Annette said that all of her fillings had fallen out and she was in terrible discomfort. Could Julia send her hundreds of dollars to have them repaired in Europe? Annette said that perhaps her mother could reclaim her money from the sloppy dentist who had originally done the work. At that point, Julia talked to me.

I can give you a piece of advice right now. You never want to be in the position of telling a naive parent that her daughter is a scheming drug abuser who can lie like a rug. That might be a bad approach. Therefore, I replied that our town dentist might want proof that his work had failed. Perhaps Annette could have a digital picture taken of her mouth as she uses the Internet frequently to contact her parents. Just add the picture as an attachment.

Julia thought this to be excellent advice but was puzzled when her daughter refused to send her the picture and even more puzzled about the vulgar language Annette used in her reply. Annette further said that she would borrow the money for her teeth from her friends because they obviously loved her more that her mom and dad!

Annette finally returned home but never did attend college or get a job. In due course Julia got her daughter to a doctor and he had enough courage to inform her parents about what is causing Annette’s real medical problem. He did this even knowing he could have gotten into a lot of trouble.

The last I heard, Annette is still alive but there is not much hope. Her parents allow her to stay at home and even provide her with a very generous allowance. After all, she is now sick almost all the time!

I was going to give you another example but I think that might be overkill.

I would like to tell you that I would never give money to my offspring if I had the least suspicion that they were on drugs. However, I doubt that I could look you in the eyes while saying that. Probably the best I could do is say I do not think I could ever do such a thing because my wife is my rock and she would never let me.

                                                         -30-

As I have said in previous blogs, T.V. commercials are a great source of news about a variety of  items. In this blog lets talk about advertized scams as seen on television.

Home Equity Loans (As Seen on T.V.)

Basically speaking there is nothing wrong with securing a much needed amout of money for a badlly needed item based upon the value of your home. Keep in mind that you should be able to pay the amount back within a two year period.

However there is a dark side to the home equity offer when T.V. commercials urge you to borrow 50% to 60% of the value of the equity in your home to take a trip or buy an adult toy like a car or boat. The company tries to tell you there is no downside, that you don’t have to repay a cent of the loan (and it really is a loan) until you move away or sell the property. Mathmatically impared people fall for this scam because they lack immagination.

And why does a lack of imagination matter?

It matters because the person conned into getting involved in this scheme falls for the idea that they can spend a hefty portion of the equity in their home and think that  payments will never need to be paid. However, there are two things they don’t think about.

1.   They never realize that they have just sold their home on the futures market for only 50% to 60% of its current value. True, they never have to make a payment while they live in the home but there are fees and interest (and interest on that unpaid interest) so that when the poor schmuck has to move out, the lender gets to keep almost all of the amount for which it was sold. If you listen, you can hear poor Mr. Schmuck say “Yeah, but we got a great deal. Why would we ever move out?”

This brings us to answer number 2.   Why do you think this deal is only open to people over 60 years old? The Schmucks of this world get old and sick. One may die and the other may not be able to look after him or herself alone. They might be required to move to be near treatment for the condition they have acquired. When they move there is a strong liklyhood that they will have no equity or very little equity in their home. The lucky ones may find a kind hearted relative to take them in now that they are penniless.

These legal scam artists prey on the poor. Why would a person fall for a Home Equity Loan offer if they had a good line of credit?

No, the company that offers these great deals to the public are targeting people who, for the most part, have a limited understanding of our economic system. They have already proven that they have a limited ability to comprehend the possible mistakes they are making. They already have a poor credit rating.

Payday Loans

The Manitoba Government has already stepped in to regulate the business of Payday Loans.

Why would anyone apply for a Payday Loan?  Again, they probably already have a poor credit rating otherwise, why not apply for a line of credit?

People who take this type of loan are requesting a decrease in pay in the coming weeks. If they are living very close to the economic edge they probably need every penny they make and paying for the privlidge of having part of their next pay right now is likely not a good idea.

Robbing Hood is alive and well in this century but the scammers out there prey on the poor, and give to themselves.

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